VAMPIRES SUCK is a reference parody film, mostly focused on the first two books of the Failight series (probably because, as we know, the third one really didn't have anything happen in it) It is written and directed by hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer who are to movies as Smeyer is to books.

Thankfully, going into this movie we all will know that nothing, absolutely nothing, could be worse than any Twilight movie. And... we're right! Seltzenberger can write some damn good parody! For someone who wants to see Bella Swan - I'm sorry, BECCA CRANE - getting a load of bricks dumped on her head, as well as various other painful objects, this is definitely the film to see. Apart from the obvious physical pain inflicted upon the cast, we are presented with some excellents upsides to seeing this film such as a coherent plot, lots of actions, laughs, and - ready for this? - an Edward Cullen SULLEN that does NOT look disgusting under his shirt! In fact, had it not been for the sparkles, he would actually be attractive.

But the very best thing about this movie? No Hellspawn Renesme Carlie Cullen. None. At all.

The plot: A teenager of 17, Becca, comes to the small town of Sporks to live with her father, because her mother got involved with

Jacob the werepuppy

some golf player (it's suggested he's Tyler Woods). The town seems unfriendly at first - not yet arrived she sees a guy hunting down a girl. The city is full of meyerpires, though nobody seems to understand it. Her father gives her a one hell of a shit truck to ride. He also introduces her to Jacob, a son of his friend. The next day Becca starts at school. She's not treated well here - everybody tries to get a good laugh at her. Until she meets the Sullens - a group of weird teenagers. Edward, the most mysterious of them, catches her eye. And then, in biology, she just happens to sit next to him.

Edward sparklezz

A scene in the meadow, everybody's favorite part:

Becca: Your skin is pale white. You dress fashionably. You abstain from sex. I know who you are...

Edward: Say it out loud. Say it.

Becca: Jonas Brother. (excuse me for spoiling all the fun).

Edward: Yes....Wait what? No, I'm a vampire. Duh!

Becca: That was my next choice.

Edward: Do you know what vampires eat?

Becca: Vampire cereal? *holds up a box of "count chocula"*

Edward: *hits it out of her hand* You don't get it...I'm a killer! *takes out a pistol and shoots Alice (you know, from wonderland?)*

Edward's penis becomes a crystal ball at the end. Yeah, these guys are more perverted than Steffalump.

Actual good thingsEdit

Admittedly, there ARE a few legitimately good things about it:

  • Jenn Proske does a dead-on impression of Kristen Stewart's acting.
  • Becca being taunted, pelted, kicked, and generally abused by the other students on her first day at school.
  • At least these vampires have fangs.
  • The vampire squirrel attacking Edward.
  • It combines two crappy movies into just one crappy movie.

See AlsoEdit

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