Twilight, The Movie is a film based on the book Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. This movie contains quite possibly the most mind-numbing 121 minutes you will ever experience in your lifetime. Many reports indicate that after viewing, up to 40% of the brain can deterriorate to the point of becoming a bitter, gooey mush. However, it is unknown if these reports are totally reliable, as many Twilight fans have viewed the movie and have experienced no major effect on any part of their anatomy, most likely due to not having any intelligence-processing qualities other than "twilighttwilighttwilighttwlight".
The Skin of a Killer Edit
The majority of those that viewed Twilight: The Movie and are somewhat intelligent have agreed that the most hilarious moment of the movie is as follows: Robert Pattinson merely was shiny on one side, and it is fully understood why he's not watching the movie, ever. Smeyer has said that this was how she saw the sparkles in her head. This is, we are told, the skin of a killer, and why she is attracted to very sweaty men in body glitter is anyone's guess. Please note that if you would also like to look like this, you may
visit Hot Topic to purchase some. (Nope, Hot Topic doesn’t sell Twilight merchandise anymore; search “Twilight” on that site, and you’ll find a Harry Potter shirt and plenty of merchandise based on The Twilight Zone)
Jasper's Constipated Face Edit
This part came in a close second. It looked like someone ran over his face with a truck (bless that holy soul).
Ballet Studio Funtime Edit
Tied for third are Alice's popping James's head off like a bottle cap and Bella's convulsing on the floor. Cam Gigandet actually did his own stunt here -- Luckily, his head was easily reattached, as it is removable. During production, Gigandet would often startle his costars by leaving his head in their trailers.
Subliminal Messages Edit
There are a few points throughout the movie where the actors' lines are almost deliberately phrased to send subliminal messages to susceptible young Twitards. One example is at the end of the movie. Bella's narrating voice says something like "Neither of us got what we truly wanted that night (SEX!), but we would both remain passionately together, and never stop trying..." or something along those lines.
It was meant for fans, as an excuse to run off, get abused, banged, and left in a ditch. Another message it conveys is for all girls to fall in love with abusive guys who will always protect them.
Victoria has a reflection -_-. She has a freaking reflection. How in hell does that work. Oh, that's right, SMeyer can completely screw-over the vampire mythology.
The acting in this movie mostly consists of the actors opening their eyes really wide, though Kristen Stewart does treat viewers with her astonishingly accurate impression of a deflating tire. Stewart's range is impressive throughout the film, proving to audience members that it is indeed possible to avoid smiling indefinitely. The male lead (Robert Pattinson) realized that it was too late to save his career from typecasting and sleepwalked through the entire production.
The best performance of the movie was given by Tyler's Van, with that one apple being a close second for the sheer talent it took to bounce off of Robert Pattinson's foot like that and subsequently stay in his hands for so long without implosion.
A Beacon of Light? Not ReallyEdit
Props to the screenwriters for at least trying to make Bella nicer. At the very least she does not treat her human friends like dirt. Don't worry though, any good qualities Bella gained in this movie will NEVER be seen again. (sarcasm hand raised) *smashes forehead with a wooden stick*
Also the human characters are more interesting in the movie, no thanks to Meyer who just casts them aside in her books.
See Also Edit
- New Moon
- New Moon, The Movie
- Eclipse, The Movie
- Breaking Dawn
- Breaking Dawn, The Movie Parts 1 and 2
- Midnight Sun