I Can't Believe It's Not Fanfiction, Twilight, the pure idiocy book that started it all. SMeyer interestingly turned many perfectly normal twelve year old girls into Rabid Fangirls and killing machines.
Plot (Or Lack Thereof)Edit
The story Twilight is about a girl named
Stephenie Meyer Bella Swan, who moves to Forks, Washington for no actual reason. Once she arrives, her father is just "so gosh-darned annoying" because he dared to give her a truck, and for some reason unknown to both the author and reader, all the inhabitants of that town come to like her, including a teacher. She ignores and disses everyone in a fit of angst, because really, having so many people want to be friends with you is SUCH a burden.
Bella, being the Speshul Snowflake she is, has a head start in every class because she was in some kind of accelerated program at her old school. Besides being in AP Bio (in which they do the same lab as 9th grade bio), she has read all the books on her English syllabus including Chaucer. Her shallow contempt for her classmates is demonstrated by the fact that the only person at the school that she does like, Edward Cullen, becomes instantly irresistible when he gives her a look that heavily implies a death wish.
Meanwhile, characters who like and help Bella at this new school get called pimply chess club nerds and are compared to dogs because being nice to her just isn't as alluring as sending psychopathic-killer vibes. We are eventually told that Edward is a mind reader, but he can't read her mind because
she doesn't have one of yet another plothole within this plothole infested book. He is apparently attracted to her initially for this reason, and later because she smells delicious, in a 'holy crow I would just love to kill and eat you' way, which is then explained to be romantic and endearing, because it really actually is.
Since Edward is "HAWT", Bella
lusts for him falls in true love with him, and they start spending all their time together in a relationship that is not at all shallow or abusive. Eventually, they both go in the woods and Edward begins to sparkle. This basically has no meaning so this part of the book was pointless and stupid, but it had to be included because it was the whole reason for this poor imination of literature. This entire piece of crap novel was written just to provide a vehicle for a scene where a guy and a girl sit in a meadow and he sparkles at her, since that was what Meyer saw in her dream. The Cullens accept Bella immediately and they go play baseball, because that is totally what you do when there is a thunderstorm outside and the thunder covers up the sound of their powerful batting.
Enter: The bitter remains of something that nearly became a plotline Edit
Some random vampires crash the baseball game and get hungry when they see Bella there. Bella has to run away, but the "bad" vampire tricks her into coming to him by exploiting the facts that a) she is a gullible idiot and b) the vampires who are supposedly watching her suffer from random deafness syndrome, which causes their vampire superhearing to disappear at convenient times. Unfortunately before she can die the "good" vampires arrive to rescue the gullible little snowflake, and they kill the "bad" guy.
Bella has been bitten, so Edward has to suck out the venom, which is mixed with her blood. And no, there is no apparent reason for that either.
Except for the hidden porn factor. Isn't Carlisle a doctor? He should've done that. He then takes her home and forces her to go to the prom. This would have been a great place to end this whole thing, but Meyer decided to go ahead and write three more books for the money. If you read all of them, it might will kill you a little on the inside.
So, basically, some old woman with a family had a sad, wet dream and wrote a series about it. Then claimed to be better than Shakespeare. 'What a miracle she is.'
- Twilight, The Movie
- New Moon
- New Moon, The Movie
- Breaking Dawn
- Life and Death
- Twilight, The Series
- Midnight Sun