"About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me."
―Belle Goose, from the back of the book

God's greatest creation.

What is "Nightlight"?Edit

Nightlight is basically a parody/spoof variant of SMeyer's first of many atrocious saga long novels Twilight. The Harvard Lampoon has given Antis and sane Twilighters a gift that goes far beyond mortal comprehension.

The story itself makes Bella Swan under the name Belle Goose, in which she moves to Switchblade, Oregon to find adventure... or maybe a love interest perhaps? She then discovers Edwart Mullen a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in the female species (maybe he's gay?). Belle soon realizes that Edwart is a vampire after seeing that he left his Tater Tots untouched during lunch, and saving her from a flying snowball.

She tells everyone about this, and then lies by saying that he saved her from a snowball with a rock in it and then an avalanche. Belle, who is basically Bella, known for being a total dumbass, wants Edwart to turn her into a vampire and make her his eternal bride.

The book is jam packed with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalkerlike behavior, and a vampire prom, while dealing with a teenage girl looking for love in all the wrong places.

Basically an epic win for Antis everywhere.


  1. First Look
  2. Rescue
  3. Hand Prick
  4. Researches
  5. Shopping
  6. Woods
  7. The Mullens
  8. The Cemetery
  9. Invitation
  10. Vampire Prom
  11. Rightful Place

Related pages Edit

Fun FactsEdit

  • The book actually save trees! Being only a third of what Twilight was, at 154 pages.
  • This book supports Cheese Nips, and Tater Tots.
  • 10% of the profits from this book go to the International Mopsy Memorial Fund to End Twilight Violence.
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