New Moan Moon is the second book in the Twilight series. It is one of the most if not the most painful to read, since Bella is at her most whiny, but comes about as close as the series gets to actual character development for Bella. Said character development is promptly thrown out at the end of the book, so as to avoid contaminating the other books.

Story (Or lack thereof)Edit


In the beginning Bella almost dies when Jasper attempts to kill her at a birthday party, due to her getting a bloody paper cut. This demonstrates the inadvisability of letting vampires go to high school, where people cut themselves all the time. Not to mention the fact that high school girls bleed once a month. (But that's a different story.)

Unfortunately for the poor reader, Jasper fails, and Bella lives to pollute the world with three more books. However, the incident causes Edward to decide that Bella would be better off without him. He lies to her and he and his whole family leave the town, stealing a whole bunch of Bella's stuff in the process. There follows four chapters with no content, implying that Bella was basically catatonic and useless, though how this is different from her usual behaviour no one knows. SMeyer seems to think that this was an appropriate reaction to breaking up with a high school boyfriend of several months. Finally Bella "wakes up" and starts spending all her time with Jacob Black doing stupid things so that she can hallucinate Edward's voice. Yes, this is exactly what a healthy and resilient heroine does. During this time she has a friend that she actually likes without being romantically involved with him (well, kind of), an adrenaline addiction, and a joke, albeit a lame one. However she is still whiny and angsty, and constantly whines that she has a gaping hole in her chest as a result of her beloved stalker leaving her. Jacob Black turns into a werewolf, and he and his werewolf friends attempt to defend Bella from Victoria, who shows heself to be an excellent character both by evading the werewolves and by trying to get to Bella and put her out of the reader's misery.

Eventually Bella leaps off of a cliff into turbulent water with a vampire in it. Unfortunately, due to the interference of her lupine friend, she survives this too.

Alice Cullen, Edward's psychotic psychic sister, sees her jump, but not survive (because she's a female, and cannot be allowed a reliable superpower). She tells Rosalie, who tells Edward. Edward places all of one phone call to confirm this, then heads straight off to commit suicide, because that's a totally logical and healthy response to losing your high school girlfriend. Hope you kiddies are absorbing all these great messages this book is sending you! He decides he will reveal the existence of vampires by sparkling in the sun, therefore the Volturi Debate Team will have to kill him.

File:Do it rorschach.jpg

Bella has to go save him, but in doing so they catch the attention of the vampire cops, the Volturi Debate Team. This allows Bella to demonstrate her overwhelming Mary Sueness speshulness by being completely immune to everything the scariest vampires in the world can do. She and Edward then return to Forks together. Bella forgives Edward immediately for abandoning her and making her suicidal because she doesn't know where else she would get a boyfriend that's so brilliantly sparkly. Edward responds by telling Bella that yes, he lied to her and all that, but really it's her fault for believing him. How sweet.

Later, in the epilogue, Jacob wants to meet Edward. Bella's scared that it's because they're going to fight over her, like Romeo and Paris. No, Bella, Romeo and Juliet actually had a plot. She starts crying out of the fear for the safety of her two suitors (cause, she's a girl, obviously). But Jacob just wants to talk about the fact that the werewolves said that the vegetarian sparklepires can't turn Bella into one of them. Darn it! It would be so fun to see Jacob and Edward rip each other to shreds. See, the werewolves are kind of sane because they understand that you shouldn't throw your entire life away for your sparkly boyfriend. And then it turns into a whole "I'm safe for her", "I won't hurt her", " Give her to me" war. Bella wants to go and comfort Jacob, but Edward stops her, and "his shielding arms become restraints." Now that's an abusive relationship for you, girls. Also, Eddykins and Jacob, sweetie, please understand that you're not dangerous. Sparkling and ripping off your shirt doesn't kill anyone.

In a nutshell, Edward leaves Bella and she goes emo until the last few pages where Edward gets back together with the Mary-Sue.

New Moon AbridgedEdit

Edward breaks up with Bella. Bella becomes catatonic for four months straight, which is totally an appropriate reaction. Then she starts doing stupid stunts with Jacob so she can hallucinate Edward's voice. Again, totally appropriate. Then she jumps off a cliff and Alice thinks she died. Rosalie tells Edward, and Edward goes to commit suicide. Alice realizes Bella is still alive, and after 3 or 4 cases of grand theft auto] later, they are in Italy. They pretty much find Edward within the first five minutes of their arrival, then they stop him from walking in the sun. The Volturi are so touched by their love, they decide to spare them both. Bella impresses them with speshul talents. One more completely unnecessary case of grand theft auto later (which brings the total number of cases to possibly five), they are home. Then there's an epilogue where Jacob and Edward glare at each other for a while.

There. You were just spared reading New Moon. Don't bother trying to read the actual book. It's pretty much the same thing with the words "hard," "glower," "cold," "beautiful," "mutter," and "chagrin" thrown in a few million times.

Cover Art of New Moon Edit

The cover of New Moon is adorned with a red and white ruffled tulip. Unsurprisingly, since SMeyer fails at symbolism, the significance of this, as relating to the story of New Moon, is yet to be understood (it probably doesn't have any significance at all). SMeyer has even stated that she herself has no idea what it means. And neither do we.

Perhaps it's to symbolize how much nature is suffering from these books, since so many poor defensless trees are cut down to be turned into Twilight. Poor trees. They were living a happy tree life before "OMG Edward Iz Sooo Hawt!!!!" was written all over them.

Keep in mind, little Twitards, when you jizz all over pages in Twilight where Edward is described, you're defacing tree corpses.

See Also Edit

External LinksEdit

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.