"These are not vampires. These are pixies pretending to be vampires." Count Dracula on Meyerpires
"Indeed. I can find no record of these creatures anywhere, except in Stephenie Meyer's head."
Dr. Van Helsing on Meyerpires
Meyerpires (also called 'Shamepires' and ‘Sparklepires’) are the so called Vampires in
12 year old fan fiction writer's Stephenie Meyer's waste of paper Twilight books. The species has the following characteristics that distinguish them from actual vampires.
- They have hard, stone like skin. Supposedly, at least, as they're seen being torn apart quite easily, and frequently.
- They generate cold (despite the fact that cold cannot be generated, as cold is only the lack of heat) and can be useful in keeping milk cool if repeatedly beaten around the head with a bottle of it. As if anyone needs an excuse to attack the Cullens with a bottle of milk!
- They do not return to the grave to "sleep", choosing instead to spend their time breaking into the houses of people they like and watching them sleep, or scrapbooking.
- They are venomous. This venom also replaces all their bodily fluids, including blood, semen, saliva and tears, and lubricates their individual rock-hard cells so that they can move. This makes total sense. (Both sarcasm hands raised)
- Their vampiric transformation makes them incredibly gorgeous and may give them superpowers. These superpowers range from as useful as reading every thought everyone has ever had to as useless as being pretty. The good looks always take the form of being pale, lean and angular, because black people, asians, and Native Americans can't be vampires.
- They lack fangs. It is hence unknown how they make the necessary incisions in their victim's jugular. Perhaps some sort of novelty straw is used. Or they get really messy.
- "My vampires do not have fangs. Their teeth are so sharp and strong that fangs are hardly necessary (they could bite through steel, if so inclined–a human neck is like butter, ha ha). The non-vegetarian vampires don’t leave living victims (unless they are changing someone into a vampire); this isn’t the neat-and-tidy, two-small-holes-in-the-neck kind of vampire attack that you see in other vampire mythologies." - Stephenie Meyer. (This seems like a pretty good reason not to date a Meyerpire, as your first kiss would leave you quite literally speechless. As they would have bitten off your mouth)
- They sparkle in the sun. No joke. This is apparently because their skin has transformed into a diamond-like substance.
- They are as un-horiffic as a teddy bear painted with rainbows and smiley faces. They are also (realistically speaking) as sexy as a teddy bear, with their Michelangelo-esque... Everything.
- For some reason they also get a special power depending on what their personality was, or a characteristic they had as a human. Now that's okay until you think logically about some of the powers they are given.
-They do not need to be invited into peoples' houses. They can just walk in and say "Hello, I have come to drink your blood! Be scared! *RAWR!!!!* ", and then be laughed at for their "beautiful" sparkly skin.
-The blood they drink somehow disappears when they drink it. Does it get used for energy? Well, Smeyer has never said where it goes. Maybe it turns into more venom, though that wouldn't actually make sense because so much of a substance in one person would make the Meyerpires blow up.
Readers of real vampire fiction claim that they are technically not vampires, but in fact sparkly stone people who drink blood. They have also been referred to as sparklepires, failpires, vampixies and mutant fairies. Do not mix with either Tinkerbell or Navi-- both of which have pwned Edward in slap fights.
Many people, including some antis, will claim that Meyerpires are vampires because vampires are fictional and you can call your fictional creature whatever you want. Let's apply this logic to another fictional creature. Let's say a writer were to create a beast that looks like a white horse with silver, cloven hooves and a long golden horn growing out of its head which has the power to cure diseases, can be tamed by pure-hearted virgins and has a goat beard. But then the writer calls it a dragon just because it also flies, eats people, and breathes fire. Would you call that a real dragon? If the answer is no, then why are Meyerpires real vampires?
They're not really vampires at all because SMeyer just wanted her precious Suevamps to perfect, invincible, beautiful gods who are 110% superior to us boring humans.
Ironically, SMeyer claims that her Christianity is an important aspect in her writing, and yet despite this, holy symbols have no power against Meyerpires. Of course, the easy way to explain this is that the "God" of the Twiverse favors Meyerpires over humans. Given how they're portrayed as better-than-you-in-every-way, this is probably not too far off the mark.