Sir Edward de Edturd la Sparklepants


Ea86840692 Edward Cullen, glowering with all his scintillating, incandescent, and chagrin-inducing hawtness.
Species Meyerpires
Year Born 1901, Chicago
Year Vamped 1918, Chicago
Sexual Orientation Metropire
Location Forks, Washington
Powers mind reading, super speed, and sparkling
Hobbies Sparkling, angsting, chagrinning, stalking, playing piano like a fool, driving his volvo, being a douche, hot pillow-biting sex, abusing Bella Swan both emotionally and physically.( Oh, and SEXUALLY as well. Sorry.)
Profession High School/Medical Student
Father Carlisle Cullen
Mother Esme Cullen
Wife Bella Cullen
Sisters Rosalie Hale and Alice Cullen
Brothers Emmett Cullen and Jasper Hale
Child Renesmee Cullen
Anti-counterpart Edwart Mullen
"I would rather die than be away from with you."
―Anyone who understands literature.
"Real vampires are all about chomping neck and they don't use hair products like this loser."
―Bart Simpson
"So, this is the one who had invaded the homeland? Let's kill him!"
―Emperor Angelo XXV
"I'm going to kill him."
―Buffy the Vampire Slayer, upon seeing Edward
"I don't think we should kill him. I think slow torture is the way to go."
"Get in line."
―Van Helsing, upon hearing the last quote.
"I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic.

More than pathetic, it was unhealthy."

―Bella Swan, who didn’t learn a thing from thinking this.
"This... imbecile is unworthy of calling himself a vampire. His death shall be my ultimate victory!"
―Vlad the Impaler
"...sic him, Flandre."
―Remilia Scarlet
"Vampire? BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
"Don't worry about him."
―Akua Shuzen
"Incendiary bombs armed! Awaiting your authorization to drop them on these conspicuous targets!”"
―A Y-Wing pilot

Edward Cullen is one of the main characters in Stephenie Meyer's series "Twilight". He is also the main character in many prepubescent girls' (and their mothers' (and their mothers')) delusional daydreams. Edward is responsible for thousands of young men being dumped by crazy girls who feel that their boyfriends do not meet up to their oh-so-perfect Edward-esque expectations.

Commonly noted as a Gary or Marty Stu (the male equivalent of the ever-becoming-more-common Mary Sue), Edward is known primarily for his chagrin, totally hot looks, and complete lack of personality. He falls in love with Bella, not out of any clear compatibility between them, but because her scent is addictive to him for some strange reason also known as a plothole, thus teaching us that all that matters in serious relationships is that you smell good, and how hot you look. Also, the fact that he is unable to read her mind despite her being human when this starts, is intriguing to him, though the reason for her even having that ability as a human in the first place is never properly explained (which seems to be a trend with this series). Though we imagine Edward would commit sucide by public sparkling, if he had to hear Bella's shallow thoughts all day.

Edward shows several warning signs of being abusive and controlling, including, but not limited to stalking Bella, breaking into her house to watch her as she sleeps, disabling her car so she can't visit her friends, trying to isolate her from her friends and family, manipulating her emotions, etc. It should be noted that most excuses in his defense (primarily from the fangirls and the author herself), fall under the lines of "he's overprotective", "he's watching out for her", or even "It's true love!!11!/1!!"", ALL of which are also common excuses given by victims of abusive relationships to defend their abusers.

  • He has bronze coloured, messy, bronze coloured, plastic, bronze colored, hair.
  • He's pale.
  • He has purple bags under his eyes, making it look like he hasn't slept a day in his life, or like he has a broken nose.
  • His eyes switch from black to liquid gold, to onyx, then topaz, then black etc. You probably won't notice this though, because you probably aren't speshul like Bella, who apparently was the first human in 100 YEARS to notice this. 
  • He has Bella clinging to his side constantly.
  • He sparkles. He doesn't sparkle under artificial light. (Actually, vampire skin reacts 'oddly' to artificial lighting, as stated by SMeyer.)
  • Dazzling people with his disco-balls.
  • He stares at Bella when/while she sleeps, without her permission.
  • He is cold and hard as a rock. Why Bella thinks kissing a rock is sexy, we will never know.
  • His face is flatter than Alice's chest, and resembles a frying pan.

Edward suffers from poorly timed heroic moments, one of which then resulted in the downfall of good literature, ie. the entire Twilight series.


Edward was created by the leader of his coven, Carlisle at least a hundred years ago. He was created when Carlisle Cullen discovered him at a hospital he was working at. Both of Edward's parents had died, and he too was dying. Carlisle turned him into a vampire before he died, thus causing him to become insanely beautiful. Edward started out acting like a real vampire, eating humans. But soon became a "vegetarian" vampire and began eating mountain lions, as they are clearly vegetables, and not at all "meat" like humans.

Edward the CreeperEdit

His daughter, Renesmee, will reportedly pose as his niece, left behind by his dead older brother adopted NOT by the Cullens, but by possible assholes with whom he lost contact after one of the adoptions took place. This would put him and Edward and the Cullens and the possible assholes in a negative light, first for separating siblings and then for not even taking the efforts that they will stay in contact. But when she has reached adulthood at the age of seven, she will probably pose as his Twin Sister, considering the similarities in physical appearance and age, which may make you feel even sicker about all these disgusting incest/abuse/pedophilia/ relationships.

Age DifferenceEdit

You know that creepy guy in your grandmother's nursing home who's always looking at you in really weird ways? That's Edward. Except Edward is older than that. If it's not appropriate that an 82-year-old checks you out, how is it appropriate that a 108-year-old checks out a 17-year-old? Seriously, if you're really that old and you're cruising the schoolyards for a date, there's something wrong with you.

Stalking a.k.a. Edward's Favorite SportEdit

You know that creepy guy at school who's always looking at you in really weird ways? That's Edward. Except Edward's also watching you sleep, and that's before you even know each other. Isn't that cute?

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Accurate description of how creepy Edward is, in venn diagram form!

 I dunno. But now girls think it's all right.

Twu LuvEdit

See Main Article: Twu Luv


The 106 Year Old Virgin, never coming to a theater near you.

Edward Cullen was 17 when he was changed, and has been a Meyerpire for roughly 87 years, yet was never at all interested in anyone (female) sexually. Because of this, he is the 104-year-old virgin. However, 17 years is the sexual peak of most males. If most guys were 17 and going to be young and hot forever, they would have numerous girls following them around on a string. This leads many antis to believe he's a pansy, liar, or simply gay. After his billionth time in high school he smells a delicious girl named Bella who happens to think he's hot and BAM! it's true love! They then get into all sorts of shenanigans. Long story short, they get married, they have a lot of sex (which should have killed Bella at least twice over - seeing as the bodily fluids of vampires are venomous, she should have frozen from the inside out), then live happily ever after with their daughter, who (despite Meyer's insistence and claims to the contrary) should not exist. And that my friends, is True Love in the world of Twilight.

Robert PattinsonEdit

See main article: Robert Pattinson

"When you read the book, it's like 'Edward Cullen is beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything... And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy. So that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin, so he's definitely got some issues there."

Robert Pattinson is the actor who played Edward Cullen in the Twilight movies. Due to this decision, Rob suffered the consequences that came with playing many hormonal teenaged girls' fantasy stalker boyfriend, that is to say, being stalked by millions of Twihards who didn’t seem to realize that even their beloved Edward doesn't like this so-called "saga". After reading the book himself, he has made several negative comments on the series and the author, in that Meyer sees herself as Bella, the book is her sex fantasy, and it was like voyeurism. While this strangely did absolutely nothing to drive off the fandom, it did earn him the support of a good number of Antis.


Tiger motivational poster

My cat is a better predator than Edward.... seriously.

Edward's hobbies are numerous. He enjoys stalking, being godlike, dazzling staff at his school, and playing the piano beautifully.

Amongst his other hobbies are listening to some classical music (so we can tell how cultured he is) and watching Bella sleep. His most favorite hobby consists of doing things he hates so that he can complain in a verbose and chagrined manner, such as going to high school over and over again even though he clearly finds it to be a hellish experience. This type of self-inflicted pain really gets him off, especially since he can indulge his most favorite past-time in the world of being an incredible douche.

Edward likes listening in on the 'petty and dull' thoughts of mortals around him because he likes to catch the fantasies of young girls masturbating to him. He will then beat off later to said fantasies in front of a mirror, another hobby. Another hobby consists of laughing at his creator, Stephanie Meyer, he enjoys giggling madly over the idea that she wants to sleep with him. Unfortunately Meyer made Edward way too shallow and he would never do a fat chick. He is notably interested in picking on characters in classic literature for daring to have flaws.

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