Eclipse

The cover of Eclipse features a broken red ribbon. ~~God~~ Edward knows why. It's interesting to note that the red ribbon is the symbol for national AIDS awareness. Which proves beyond a doubt, that Twilight is the AIDS (and swine flu and Coronavirus Disease 2019 combined) of literature. Mainly because of the Twisease, which spawns Twilogic.

Plot (Or lack, thereof)Edit

The gist of what the story actually is about.

Eclipse is the third book in the Twilight series. Half the plot of the book is Edward and Jacob arguing over which of them is better for Bella. Since Edward is Bella's ~~owner~~ boyfriend she has to spend all her time with him, a situation which he enforces by vandalising her car when she tries to go see her friend and having his sister kidnap her when he has to go hunt (which is totally not abusive). Bella wants Edward to change her into even more of a douche, so she too can be sparkly and gorgeous. Edward doesn't want to, but says that he will if she marries him first. When she protests he says that that is the deal "take it or leave it". Compromise, remember? Bella agrees. Meanwhile Victoria has come up with a whole new way to kill Bella, and has created an army ~~of newborn vampires~~ sparkling cannon fodder to fight off the Cullens so she can get Bella. The Cullens and the soon-to-be-pedowolves team up to defeat the newborns.

Bella, in a blinding show of moral cowardice, tells Edward that she will have another mental breakdown if she doesn't get to spend every second glued to his side. Knowing Bella, this is definitely true. She says that she will either show up in the clearing where they plan to fight the newborns, getting in the way and getting everyone else killed trying to protect her (what a bitch), or he will have to abandon his family in the fight so he can spend the time watching her sleep. He agrees since watching other people sleep is one of his major hobbies, and he and Jacob take her to the campsite where she will be spending the night the day before it happens, with Jake switching off with a younger wolf, Seth, before the fight. Victoria, reading Bella like a book, follows Edward's scent to where Bella is, and attacks them with another vampire called Riley. Bella takes it upon herself to randomly cut herself, in imitation of a side character in a Quileute legend who kills herself to distract a vampire.

Edward and Seth win, which gives Edward the chance to yell at Bella for being an idiot (again), and removes the one really good female character in the books. Leah, the only female werewolf, does something stupid, and Jacob gets injured when the male werewolves step in to rescue her. This is only to be expected, as females are weak and pathetic and don't belong in combat. Jacob and the werewolves leave just as the Volturi Debate Team shows up the deal with the vampire army. The Volturi kill the one newborn vampire who surrendered, because they are bad so they have to kill someone and Meyer is too timid to sacrifice a real character (not that she has that many to spare). When Jacob recovers he runs off into the wilderness as a wolf in grief because Bella likes Edward better. As if we DIDN'T FRIGGIN' KNOW.