A man with a dream...
A dream of werewolves and jet packs and robots and way shorter Twilight books. Dan is the SparkNotes editor who embarked on the dangerous, IQ-point-destroying journey of reading all the Twilight
fails books. Chapter by chapter, his blogs are filled with lulz of epic proportions. Despite the fact he's reading slogging through this saga horrible garbage, neither his IQ nor his lulz suffer.
Dan invented the "sarcasm hand". He wasn't sure if people understood when he was being sarcastic about Twilight, so he said he would raise his hand whenever he was doing so. Example: "Edward isn't a creepy stalker at all. He's the greatest guy in the world. *hand raised*"
He popularized Team Emmett (and Team Pancakes) and thus is very disappointed about Emmett's lack of screen and page time.
He was also very strongly on Team Jacob, until finally reading Chapter 18 of Breaking Dawn. After reading it he had a slight mental breakdown...it's hilarious.
Our Lovely Protagonist
This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get for ruining Jacob's life and ignoring your human friends because you'd rather spend time with pretty people. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their family. This is what you get for being weak and dependent. This is what you get for lying to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life. This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!
If Bella got rabies, she wouldn't foam at the mouth, but would shoot rainbows from her nostrils. If she was stricken with a hideous toe fungus, it wouldn't make her toenail look like zombie flesh, but instead her toe would encase itself in a cocoon of the finest silk. And if Bella drank a lot of soda, she wouldn't succumb to burps, but instead her gastrointestinal system would recite a wondrous melody that sounded like a Beatles song mixed with Beethoven. Bella isn't a typical girl. She's the most fabulous woman in all the lands, and nothing bad shall ever befall her.
"A vampire bite turns a human into a vampire, right? So it stands to reason that if a normal person bites a vampire, the vamp will turn into a normal person. (This is why I bite people who I suspect are vampires, and also why I’m no longer allowed within 50 feet of the quiet, creepy bearded guy from Ace of Cakes)."
"When it comes to monsters, I'd much rather hang out with werewolves than vampires. I imagine chilling with vampires means sitting on uncomfortable Victorian sofas, wearing frilly shirts and capes, holding candlesticks, and saying things like, 'The hour grows late. Soon our eternal hunger will be momentarily sated as we caress the night with our presence.' (Or, perhaps, 'One balloon. Mwah ha ha. Two balloons. Mwah ha ha. Three balloons! Mwah ha ha…')" "I thought vampires were supposed to be tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle." The art of imprinting
"Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm."
QUIL: My girlfriend and I had a fight. She wanted Legos. I think Legos are too sharp, and so I got her Duplo Blocks. She's not happy.
JACOB: My girlfriend just discovered her toes.
"'Hey Isabelly, I wrote this rap for you:
Promise not to die
And don’t be a liar
I like to kill bears
‘Cause I’m a vampire
Later hater, Ed-weird
P.S. I want to touch your face so hard!'"
- mocking Edward's note to Bella
I love the idea of a redneck Bella and Edward living in a trailer and fighting over money.
BELLA: Edward, you get a job today?
EDWARD: I can't get no job with my back. You know that! Where's my bear blood, I'm starving.
BELLA: We out of bear blood. Gonna have squirrel blood for dinner. Put a shirt on!
EDWARD: I wish I married Angela...
"I'm not a scientist, but this seems to make sense. Vampires are immortal, drink blood, have super strength, run faster than a car, read minds, and predict the future simply because they have two extra chromosomes. Yep. That explains it. (Both sarcasm hands raised, and I typed this by crying tears of frustration onto my keyboard at a velocity strong enough to press the keys.)"
It's a great cover story, except how will they explain the baby?
CHARLIE: Is Bella OK? Did the mystery sickness kill her?
ESME: No. She's fine. In fact, she had a baby.
ESME: One of the side effects of Brazil Flu is that it makes you spontaneously pregnant.
CHARLIE: But how can the baby grow so fast? It's only been a month!
ESME: The disease works retroactively.
ESME: Once the disease entered her body, it traveled back through time because it moves at twice the speed of light, and it took Bella's uterus with it.
CHARLIE: That makes sense. I will not inquire further regarding my only child's health and well-being because I trust you, a woman whom I've only met once or twice.
ESME: I'm glad.
Since we now move into the last "book" of this book, there are more blank spaces for me to illustrate. And since October is coming to an end, what better time to draw Octo-Bear, the bear that is an octopus!