|Isabella Mary Marian Marie Maple-Syrup Meyer Sue (Swan) Cullen|
|Species||Speshul Snowflake (in first three books), Speshul Snowflake Meyerpire (in last book)|
|Year Born||1987 Forks, Washington|
|Hobbies||Being stalked; being a whiny idiot, insulting people who are nice to her, describing Edward Cullen in great detail to the point of nausea, ignoring her Demon Spawn while she and Edward have TTLY HAWT sex|
|Profession||Professional squeeze-bag for Edward (because that's all women are good for!), being the Idiotmobile|
|Sisters-in-Law||Rosalie Hale and Alice Cullen|
|Brothers-in Law||Emmett Cullen and Jasper Hale|
|Future Son-In-Law||Jacob Black|
"Argh! I hate you, Bella Swan! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate your stupid mood swings. I hate that you think Edward is neat. I hate that you can't see how rad Jacob is. I hate that one moment you're the smartest girl in all the land, and the next moment you can't remember what month it is. I hate that you're mature enough to take care of your parents, but so immature that you think it's flipping awesome when someone kidnaps you.
I hate that you want to throw away your education, your future, your entire life just for the sake of some good-looking smelly monster. I hate your thoughts. I hate your dependence on others. I hate that you never scream and yell at Edward for treating you like a hamster. I hate that you left the Volturi Victims to die, and have never mentioned them or lost sleep over it since. I hate your shoes, because they're probably stupid. I hate the way you probably add an extra syllable to the word "theater." I hate you so much it hurts my hair. Agh!
And now, after saying something negative, most therapists agree it's important to say something positive. So Bella, I like your truck very much. And I bet your lasagna doesn't taste bad. We cool?"-- Dan Bergstein
- " When Ron left me, I didn't curl up to die in a fetal position. If I had, Harry would not have had the help to destroy the Horcruxes and defeat Voldemort"
- " When the man I loved left me, because he didn't want me to forsake my immorality for him, I didn't curl up in a fetal position to die. I convinced my father to reforge Isildur's sword so my love could win the battle against evil. I was also the moral support that helped him along his path"
"When the man I loved left me, I didn't curl up to die in the fetal position. I developed feelings for Hercules, eventually marrying him and getting my happy ending."
Meg from Hercules
dumbest luckiest protagonist with a knack for cooking and the ability to think in overly elaborate prose when the need arises, (and when it does not) Ugella Duck is our window to the Twiverse. She is, quite honestly, insane, and not in the fun way either, as well as quite possibly the biggest Mary-Sue we've ever come across. She has taught the reader many morals.
Isabella "Bella" Marie SwanEdit
Often known by the "fans" as Isabella Mary Stephenie Meyer Sue, is the main character of the Twilight books. She is basically Stephenie Meyer, but younger,
plainer prettier, 180 pounds lighter, and with a brilliantly sparkletastic meyerpire super rich and mysterious boyfriend. She is supposed to be a brilliant student, but there is no evidence in the books that she actually has any thoughts on anything, except Edward, and is proven on numerous occasions to be the opposite.
This theory is upheld by the fact that her vampire love, Edward, who is
pyscho telepathic, cannot hear her mind. According to some theories, this is because Bella doesn't have one, and if she had one, all there is in her brain is that about her sucking and riding his tiny, sparkly penis.
Her name comes out like a stupid question. "Is a bell a swan?" No. It's a plain stupid.
Role in the SeriesEdit
The whole of the series is told from her 1st person POV, with the exception of a few chapters in the last book from Jacob's POV and the retcon of the first book in Edward's view, both of which were written simply as an excuse for other characters to talk about how speshul Bella Sue is. Bella is quite possibly the most selfish and self-centered of all the characters in the whole of the series (something that's only reinforced due to the fact that her thoughts are shown in the first person POV, and all are extremely shallow); more reminiscent of the popular, back-stabbing
bitch girl who uses and manipulates people only to diss them behind their backs that you knew in high school rather than the quiet, shy bookworm she likes to pretend she is, the difference of course being that Bella Sue lacks the intelligence and social skills to manipulate people. Instead she just whines about how everyone loves her.
She spends the majority of the series ogling and having wet dreams over Edward, and when she's not detailing every aspect of his oh-so-perfect self ad nauseam, she's whining or complaining (or both), crying, lamenting her mortality, looking down on humans (non-speshul beings), or needlessly putting herself in dangerous situations. What an insane loser! She really should be in an asylum.
Her primary role in the books is to gush mindlessly about how how gorgeous, fantastic, amazing, brilliant, flawless, scintillating, godlike, incandescent, handsome and generally perfect her Edward is and talking about her chagrin. She also gets herself into ridiculous situations through her own mindless stupidity from which the Big Strong Male must save her. This is because, being a helpless female, Bella couldn't possibly be expected to have anything resembling a whisper of common sense, which is a major reason as to why it takes her so long to figure out Edward is a vampire. Notable achievements include whining a lot, characterizing abuse as romantic, and getting married straight out of high school to have Edward's bizzarely growth-accelerated mutant spawn of Satan, which she names Renesmee Carlie Cullen; heaven knows why. Supposedly it's because Renesmee is a mix of Renee and Esme, and Carlie is a mix of Charlie and Carlisle, but it's really just because she's a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE and can't have a normally named child, because that would just be crazy talk.
In the final book, Breaking Dawn, there is a change at last, and Bella finally stops telling us how unworthy she is to be with Edward... only to let us know just how amazing she is. This is because Stephenie Meyer desperately longs to be as attractive, which just demonstrates how ugly this woman truly is.
Why Bella is an anti-feminist FAILEdit
In fact, Bella is so speshul that she doesn't have to bring about any of the wonderful things in her life herself. Most young women who want to go to university or win an Olympic medal or overcome an illness or handicap or deal with loss have to earn their happy endings through their own gumption and hard work. Bella's is given to her on the proverbial silver platter. She wants to be a vampire--one of the Cullens has to oblige her on this, but since she's so
enamored of their beauty and power and money , ADMIYURS DEM SO MUCH, both Alice and Carlisle offer to do the honors.
She wants to be with Edward-since they're "soul mates," this scenario plays itself out. He can't help but want to be with her forever because she is so speshul and perfect.
She wants Edward's baby, so our brilliant author breaks her own canon to give her one. She wants to maintain a relationship with the wolfboy Jacob. Tinkerbell our esteemed hack author waves her magic wand and Jacob imprints on Bella and Edward's baby, thus cementing a treaty between the Cullen clan and the Quileutes.
She's too speshul to have to earn a happy ending for herself. Unlike other characters in other books who take years to discover and develop their special abilities, she only needs a month to develop her "shield," which she uses to protect the vampires and the wolf people in the longest and most boring non-battle ever published.
The message to young women everywhere is: you have no power over your own life, so you'd better hope a rich and pretty family wants you.
At the beginning of Twitlight, our poor snowflake Meyer Sue blinks into existence and has to move to Forks because she wants her neglectful mother to be happy with her new man-whore, Phil.
Meyer would like us to believe that Bella is a modest martyr but Bella's good deed for her mom is soon overshadowed by the fact that she will not stop whining about everything.
Even the good things: Her father buying her a truck, having her own room, being helped by other students, making friends with popular girls, getting the attention of the guy she can't figure out for a multitude of chapters is actually a vampire, etc.
When Bella goes to Forks high school, all of the other students bend over backwards to make Bella feel welcome but she rejects them and comments rudely on their appearances as she does. Probably because they're just mere humans. Despite this clear mistreatment of them, nobody seems to mind or think ill of Bella at any point.
Even the teacher, whose jaw apparently drops at the sight of her, is astounded by her speshulness when she first arrives and the little snip still makes a fail- tastic 'snarky' comment about it. To make a long story short, she meets the uber hawt and ever so
emo dazzling Edward Cullen and two weeks later the two of them declare themselves soul-mates.
Then shit hits the fan and Bella's apparent superspeshulness attracts evil Meyerpires to Forks with only a hundred pages to go before the much looked-forward-to ending.
Edward leaves Bella early on in New Moon, much to the chagrin of many fangirls, because of the fact that Jasper attacked her after she got a papercut. Bella spends the next 200 pages or so commenting about how she has a hole in her chest after her boyfriend of five months left her. Then she decides to go hang out with Jacob Black and uses him to make her feel better about herself. She discovers that stupidly putting herself in dangerous situations allows her to hear Edward's voice in her head. Meyer makes it clear that this voice is NOT actually Edward, but an actual hallucination. Fan speculation is that the "voice in her head" is actually that of her horribly neglected common sense talking to her in the only voice she'll listen to. In the midst of her repeated suicide attempts, Jacob falls in love with Bella and saves her life after she jumps off a cliff. However, when Alice comes back to town, Bella leaves Jacob and forgets about him when she learns that her glittery soul-mate Edward, the guy that broke up with her after a five-month relationship and has now been away from her for another 7 months, is in grave danger due to the fact that he is going to Italy to get himself killed by The Volturi Debate Team by showing off his vampire bling. Bella leaves town without even thinking about the fact that her dad just lost his best friend and probably doesn't need his only child running away to save her boytoy. The book ends with Bella saving her lover, the Volturi not doing anything (save for making a few lame threats and then eating some gullible tourists), and Edward yelling at her about how she believed he actually wanted to leave her, and that he still won't turn her into a Meyerpire.
Eclipse is the infamous "love triangle"/"nothing happens again" book. The goal in this book is to get into Edward's sparkly pants, but her efforts are somewhat deterred by her furry BFF. The events of the book are as follows: Jacob kisses her; she punches him and breaks her hand; she gets engaged to Edward and all the human friends she's dissed, neglected, pissed off, and nearly caused irreparable harm to have all come crawling back to her just in time for the wedding. Oh, and there is some lame battle scene near the end. We don't see most of the action, because Bella spends the battle hiding in a cave listening to Edward and Jacob discuss which of them should have her.
Yet it's only second in length to Breaking Dawn.
Breaking Dawn Edit
No, Bella doesn't die to the dismay of everyone. She and Eddiekins do get married. Bella, throughout the whole chapter is bitchy and jealous of Tanya, even though, logically, Tanya should be the jealous one considering she first wanted Edward, and is now losing him to Bella.
Edward takes her to a random island off the WEST COAST OF BRAZIL where they spend weeks having sex and being bothered by Natives. Bella whines about the poor Native woman who only wants to make sure she's all right.
Bella like the stupid retard she is hasn't noticed she hasn't had her period and when she looks at herself in the mirror somehow, a baby hand nudges her.
She tells Edward and he goes catatonic. After getting home she has a one-month pregnancy where she doesn't even consider abortion because
Meyer is forcing her beliefs on us her baby is speshul. Jacob gets his own filler book which had nothing to do with the series - although he does write awesome chapter titles.
Bella gives birth to her demon spawn child which nearly kills her in the process. Edward injects her with his venom and turns her into a Meyerpire, saving her. For the rest of a book, Bella is a pwettyful Meyerpire who oh so magically can resist the overwhelming temptation to feed on humans that most newborn vamps have to deal with, has her own speshul power that is better and more amazing than everyone else's, and is now the best-looking and strongest Meyerpire to ever exist.
The Volturi, who should have just killed her to begin with, come to start a huge fight which just turns out to be a crapload of angst and drama that ultimately leads to them turning around and going home without a fight because they're the worst villains ever written.
Bella and Edward and demon child, who they call Renesmee (WHYYYY?!?!?) get their own happy piece of forever and the book finally, finally ends. Thank. You.
Let's hope a vampire hunter catches them afterwards and makes them die a horrible death (Not that it would be hard).
Not much personality, except for the fact that she loves Edward and constantly rants on his beauty, though fans deny it. She is dull, bland and useless.
Special Meyerpire Power Edit
Bella's power is that she can form a shield that protects her and anyone near her from mental attacks but anything physical can go right through. Now of course because Bella being a Mary Sue, her ability becomes more powerful with time:
'Small shield protects only her - Medium shield protects her and anyone close to her - SUPER MASSIVE SHIELD protects everyone in a HUGE radius around her.' She did this in a matter off weeks, whereas other Meyerpires had to learn and control their abilities for years. She is able to let Edward read her mind at the end of the last book (like there's anything there to read).
All Meyerpires gain strength and speed when they change, but only Bella acquires the ability to beat Emmett (whose power is super-strength) in an arm-wrestling match. (This is in fact justified, since she is a newborn vampire.)
She has the following abilities:
- Graceful and elegant, even for a vampire
- Mega shield that blocks mental attacks
- Detects small changes in Renesmee's appearance
- Strong control over her blood-lust even though she is a newborn
As you can see, Bella has more abilities than any other Meyerpire. This is because she is the main character, Aro even says that she will be or is the most powerful vampire ever. My sensors indicate that she is indeed a Mary-Sue. MARY SUE = YES!